it's been a while.

i've had the time of my life. laura and i went to enterprise alabama, destin florida, mobile alabama, gulf shores alabama (for the 4th) back to enterprise. Then to the Super 8 motel in Georgia (due to the "tropical depression" aka hurricane cindy (that bitch) with her PMS flood warnings, puke-green skies, and terrifying tornadoes that raged around our little car, then to Eatonton Georgia back to Fort Lauderdale Florida, back to Eatonton, up to Kentucky. BUT right now i don't want to write about my trip because it's not over. sure michigan is shitty, but i've come to realize there's always something shittier (like ohio). details i'll save for later. i don't want to go to bed with bloody fingers.

i've learned that despite shitty circumstances in one's life i.e. disease, distaste, depression, disturbance, disdain, disorder, disgust, dishonor, death even--one may still live if, and only if, it is learned and one is one's own teacher. and tonight. tonight i will hold myself when i go to bed because that is Not all i have, and i know it. tonight i will dream alone, peacefully. tomorrow i'll wake early, hop in the car, drive to a place where my parents pay for me to spill my guts to someone in previous hopes and prior beliefs that she would resurrect me from the dead. but her name isn't Jesus. she doesn't have a beard and i'm most certainly not dead yet, just deathly afraid of dying. killing myself (or what is left) with time and the truth that i think is true, but infact remains false. i don't believe the woman even has nails in her office to pin upon a cross. my savior is myself. in time, i'll do it by myself the way i wanted to in the first place, and i want to. all by myself, eventually. i've surrendered to the idea that, if help is available, [although i just might have to write a sticky note as a reminder] i like to hold hands. i like touching someone and like to be touched in return. it works. these mind fuck games that we play with ourselves sometimes simply needs a partner because we can't lose everytime. i've decided someone else needs a turn to lose so that i can win at least one and eventually learn to tie. because although balance might seem overrated at times, it's what i need. for now i need to go to bed. to sleep. to dream. to breathe. to live.